before you dial

i picked up the phone the other night at work and even now after a few decent days of sleep i'm still not sure why the call was made. there was a woman on the other end and she immediately began rambling on about her pregnant daughter. she wasn't quite to term and had already had a bout of "false labor." on this night she was having sharp pains in her abdomen and had vomitted a few times.

the woman: "we live an hour and a half away and we'd have to wait for the gas station to open before we could come up there. but we don't really want to drive all that way if it's just false labor so we're gonna give her some crackers and 7up. but she keeps having these pains in her belly and she's thrown up. but it's an hour and a half for us to get there. i think we're gonna just give her some crackers and 7up?" she took a breath.

me: "uh. ma'am...i'm REALLY not allowed to give you medical advice over the phone. however, i'd suggest you call her doctor."

the woman: "her doctor's doctor hill."

me: unsure as to what WHO her doctor is has to do with anything..."yes ma'am. i suggest you call him."

the woman: "do you have his number?"

me: wanting to scream at this point..."mmm...no i don't. if you call his office number he should have either an answering service that will page him or a doctor on call or at the very least an answering machine that will give you directions on what to do in an emergency."

the woman: "well...it's an hour to his office and it'd take us an hour and a half to get to you. she keeps having pains in her stomach and she's 35 weeks. do you think we should just give her some crackers and 7up?"

me: i swear i almost threw the phone at this point. "ma'am, i'm not allowed to give you medical advice of any kind over the phone. if you want over the phone advice you need to call her doctor."

the woman: "oh. you think i should call her doctor? ok. thanks."

some people are too stupid to live.

transition

recently i decided to exchange my scapel weilding for something a little less stressful...something i could do half asleep AND sitting on my duff. granted my current pay rate reflects the fact that i'm getting paid to sit on my ever widening arse but it's a nice change of pace and horribly entertaining most nights. i am the super night unit clerk of the local ER, which basically means i play with paper, answer the phone, and direct people to their appropriate waiting space.

i've only been working for about 3 weeks but i've figured out a few things and i'll list them here for your benefit.

1: if you've been sick for more than 2 days, haven't seen your doctor, and show up at the ER you will be ridiculed behind your back.

2: if you come in complaining of nondescript pain with no other symptoms, you'll be drug tested.

3: if you show up in the er more than 5 times a year without some major/chronic illness, you will be labelled as a frequent flyer and even though we're no longer leagally allowed to document such cases, mental notes are still made.

4: crazy isn't a legal diagnosis but i'm convinced it should be.